The Beginning After The End
by Notmyforte
Summary: Zidane is able to save Kuja before the Iifa Tree collapses, and brings him back to Alexandria. Unbeknownst to Garnet, Zidane allows Kuja to live in the castle. Zidane's secrets begin to get harder to keep as he starts to develop feelings for his brother.
1. Chapter 1

Heeey. I'm sort of new to writing, and I'm not very good at it. I'm more for drawing, but some things are more difficult for me to get down on paper than they are to get down in words, so here you are.

This story will contain boy on boy, as usual, don't like, don't read.

Character death, some gore in the beginning and possibly throughout, and I suppose it's AU. There isn't character bashing, or if there is, it's unintentional. Feel free to critique, reviews are appreciated, so on and so forth~.

XxX

I still remember that day, as if it was broad as daylight, clear as crystal. The day I saved him from his own demise. That was a day full of heartache and sacrifice. Choosing to risk my life and future with Garnet to help my brother. I guess if it were completely up to me, I'd have chosen a pretty girl. But there was this force tugging on my heart strings that day. I can't really explain it. It was just this feeling that if I let Kuja go, I'd regret it for a very long time. I took the chance and went after him that day. I waved to Garnet, burning the image of her beautiful, pristine face into my memory. Maybe it would help me go on.

Finding Kuja was difficult, but I was quick on my feet and successfully avoided getting hit or flattened. After some running about, I did find him. He was on an elevated platform, though I can't really tell what had created it. It was perhaps just a part of the tree that jutted out? Or maybe it was made especially for Kuja to die on. I pushed grim thoughts from my mind and climbed up the moss covered stump, a task harder than it sounds, trust me. With a final heave, I was able to push myself up there with him. It was difficult to look at him right then. I couldn't imagine my brother, one who was so obsessed with his own beauty, one who was once so powerful, looking like he did then. It almost broke my heart.

He was lying on his back, right hand draped over his stomach. It was apparent why, when I noticed that the sleeve clung to his skin, drenched thoroughly in blood. His hand didn't cover it completely- I swear I could see some of his organs on the verge of spilling from his lithe figure. His chin and neck were covered in blood that was still slowly cascading from his mouth at a steady rate. Those thighs I caught myself looking at one too many times were covered in scrapes and cuts. That was always my favorite part of him… His full thighs, almost like a girl's. I was guilty of looking at him with other things aside from contempt sometimes- he was right in being narcissistic, because he really was beautiful. Even I found myself enraptured with his flesh one too many times. It led to more than that, but of course, only by my own hand. Walking up to a self-infatuated lunatic and asking for a hand job wasn't something I had prepared to add to my list of sins, to be blunt. A cough lured me from my thoughts, and I felt a wetness on my hand. It was speckled in vibrant red. I crawled over to his body, giving him a once over. The disembowelment the tree had apparently tried to give him was the only real danger at the moment, although I could tell he probably had a lot of internal issues as well.

"You shouldn't have come." He was talking, but I wasn't listening. I reached for my undershirt, tearing a long piece from it by carefully shredding the shirt around and upwards. He still seemed indifferent, and the hand that clutched his own stomach tightened.

The next few things didn't go as swimmingly. Not only did he not want to remove his hand, insisting that he be left to die, but when I finally _did _get him to move it, every movement he had to make in order for me to situate the makeshift bandage was followed by a deafening screeching I can only assume was of pain. My guess wasn't far from the truth when I said he was holding his guts in, too. I could actually _see _some of his insides. I guess I'd seen worse, give or take, but it still made me a little queasy. As I made the final loop around his torso, tying the fabric tight to create pressure, he let out a whimper. It was a sound I never really figured he could even make. It was feeble, weak even, and his face was one of pure, unadulterated pain. It was kind of sad to see him reduced to this.

"Listen, you gotta get up. When you come back with me, we'll get you something to ease it. Just bear it." I continued to whisper encouragement into his ear, and I don't really think it was working much at all. I put my arm underneath his back, forcing his own over my shoulder and, counting to three so he wouldn't be too shocked, heaved him up into a standing position.

I'm not sure if I can ever properly describe the sounds he made perfectly, but it was something you really hope to never hear in your lifetime. He was sobbing hysterically and screaming all at once, his pride having completely abandoned him. I begged him to stop- I felt as though I was killing him instead of saving him. I think he tried, but it didn't work out. It wasn't as though I could just walk out of here- there was running, jumping, climbing. I even had to hoist him up onto my shoulders and push him up any elevations too steep to just help him up. I had to drag him most of the time too.

By the time we had gotten out of there, he wasn't yelling much anymore. I was drenched in sweat, and he in his own blood. I lay him down on the greenery that surrounded the once Iifa tree, now more of a sinkhole as it seemed to descend deeper and deeper into the ground. I really hoped it was safe, because as I collapsed next to him, I wasn't so sure that I could get up again if anything happened.

It felt like we laid like that for an eternity. It felt good. I don't think I'd ever been so tired in my life. Neither had he. Despite myself, I had gotten up after that eternity. I leaned back on my elbows. His eyes were closed, and I nearly panicked, but his chest was rising and falling steadily, so I calmed myself. His mouth seemed to stop producing as much blood, but even with my lack of medical expertise, I knew he needed help as soon as possible. I rolled my shoulders, getting out any kinks and leaned onto my side to check on Kuja. He still looked pretty knocked out. I licked my thumb and tried scrubbing some of the crusting blood from his face. It didn't do much, and it made me feel weird and motherly, but at least I tried. After a minute or so, it was relatively recognizable. I leaned down to pick him up bridal style. Putting much more stress on him was probably a bad idea.

I took him to the summoner's village, and we got help, but not without reluctance. I never figured moogles could keep grudges, but they did. I got through to them though, and I was glad, but that's not very important right now. But what happened later that day might be.

It was around eleven at night. I had taken a nap as soon as Kuja was taken care of, but I was restless. It wasn't soon until I was awake again, and I sat up from the floor. Kuja got the bed for obvious reasons. He was sleeping peacefully, despite today's events. There was something in his face that night that made me do what I did. His eyes opened, and he smiled to me. It was a sad one, and he lifted his hand to touch my face in this brotherly way, despite the affection of such a gesture. I could tell he wanted to say thank you, but the move was drastic in my mind. Suddenly, any brotherly love I felt towards him clashed loudly and dangerously with the type of feeling that I only got around Garnet. My face was frozen in shock, and I think he could sense it. He took his hand back without a word, shifting slightly in the bed.

I suddenly got this vision in my head; one where I crawled over him, kissing his delicate face, touching his hair and body, making him emit pleased noises whenever I did. It was almost like these stories Blank used to read in Tantelus with the men, all gathered around the table, laughing hysterically. Where the woman is unable to resist the man's charm, and they have a night filled with passionate, desperate love. A one night stand, to put it into better words. It was difficult to really find the root of where these feelings were coming from, and I chopped it down to feeling lonely now that Garnet was gone. That Kuja just looked like a girl, and a scantily dressed one at that. It was what got me through the night that day, and what stopped me from bothering him further.

The rest was history, I suppose. It was only a few years later, when Kuja was feeling up to himself, and I finally found a way of transportation, that we headed back to Alexandria to reunite with Garnet and the rest of the gang. I was excited for lack of better word, and Kuja seemed distant. But during our absence from much civilization during those years, I didn't really blame him. With the lose of his servants, he had lost any and all social contact with other beings. Aside from me of course, but that's not enough for some people. I'd have figured that by a month, I'd have tried to bed him out of desperation. That didn't happen, and I'm glad. Our relationship already had enough tension as it was. That is to say, whenever I started getting hot and bothered, I excused myself and went off to a remote place to handle my problem. I always thought of Garnet as I did it, I forced myself to. There was also a time or two when we had gone to Treno, and Kuja had to disguise himself that I'd leave with a random woman and ask him to wait. It was more that I wanted to make it clear to him that I didn't feel anything towards him. A show of masculinity, so to speak. If ravaging the first willing girl could be called masculine. I doubted it. But he got the picture. Things got a little less awkward as he was reassured that I didn't feel anything towards him. He didn't seem disappointed either, more relieved. I think that he also disliked feeling that romantic pressure. Or maybe he just hid it exceedingly well. I'm not sure. But I hopped it was the former.

The plan was for me to call Garnet down to the stage, then while we did the cliché hug and kiss thing, Kuja would appear and I'd tell her he was okay now. I even made a hand signal for him to come out. Something went wrong though, and that didn't happen. I saw Kuja waiting backstage out of the corner of my eye, in a dress of brilliant lilac for his part as a stand in on the play. He didn't want to at first, but eventually gave in to wearing drag. I told him that if anybody recognized him before he announced his presence, things could get ugly. I still remember what Garnet said.

"I'm so glad! I thought you'd gone back, and Kuja finished you off! Don't even leave me again!"

That was right. She never did find out that it was Kuja who helped us out of the Iifa tree. My head was over her shoulder as she hugged me tight, and I felt a deep pit in my stomach as I saw Kuja turn around and walk back into the ship, his expression deadpan. _Please understand._ I thought as hard as I could, remembering that he was able to put words into my head when I had saved him all those months ago.

_It is alright._

I was startled of course, but even his words didn't comfort me. They sounded sad, though they were distant and it would really be impossible for any person to decipher his tone. I tried again to tell Garnet, but I couldn't. I was frightened of what she'd do now. If she overreacted. Not only that, but Freya, Steiner, and Beatrix weren't exactly the picture of forgiveness.

I was able to live with Garnet in the castle, and I assumed that sometime soon I 'd be expected to pop the question so that I could be her king. Or something else straight out of a fairytale. I snuck Kuja in with me, finding this relatively abandoned tower on the opposite side of the castle of which Garnet usually spent her time. There was a bookshelf filled with reading that I guessed hadn't been touched for years, judging by all the dust. I couldn't tell if he liked it or not. His expression was as usual- unimpressed. He didn't really say anything. He never did say much anymore. I'd let him open up whenever he felt ready to, I guess. I'm talkative, but not too emotionally sensitive. I'd probably end up offending him or something. He was still in that dress, which had to be the most uncomfortable thing to wear. Itchy too, with all the frills on it. The bodice looked ridiculously tight, and I made a note to get him some new clothes from the ship, or better yet, just buy some. He did complain occasionally about being uncomfortable in used clothes. I had an extra shirt, so I unbuttoned my vest and pulled the one I was wearing off.

"You can sleep in this. That thing looks itchy. I'll buy you something new tomorrow."

"I can't reach." I looked at him questionably, and I realized what he meant as he made a useless attempt at getting at the straps behind the dress. I made a noise of affirmation, and threw my shirt on the bed, helping him. I was so used to pushing back any romantic feelings that arrived for him that I no longer saw my pushed his hair over one of his shoulders as sensual, or unlacing the infamous torture device dubbed a corset. I had to practically pry the thing opened, but eventually it came off. The lacy gown pooled around his feet, and all he had on left was this nearly sheer white under gown. He turned to me.

"You can keep your shirt. I'll be able to sleep in this." I nodded my head, taking a few long strides over to pick it back up. I was sitting on the bed to pull it on again, and I nearly had my head and arms through it before I looked up at Kuja. He was looking through the window, it's glass several different colors. It was a mosaic, but I can't really recall what exactly it was a picture of, if anything. I wasn't really one for art, I guess. The moon shown through all the different colors, shining onto Kuja in this ethereal way that made my heart catch in my throat for a second. He looked sad, as always, but when he looked over at me, I could hardly control myself.

"What's the matter?"

He didn't answer me. I didn't expect much of a response anyways. I pulled my shirt on completely, straightening it before getting my vest on and starting to button it. When I looked up, he still hadn't moved. I swallowed the lump in my throat and stood up. I took a moment to realize that I was taller than him now. Not by much, but I could tell. It was a little strange, considering he was my big brother, but I shook the thought as he spoke.

"Am I a secret?"

I was surprised at first, until I realized what exactly he meant. Yeah. He was I guess. I hadn't told anyone about him except for the crew, and if he found out there'd be a lot of explaining and trouble to get through.

"Yeah… I'm sorry. I had some trouble breaking it to Garnet, and I just couldn't bring myself to tell her."

He nodded in acknowledgement, and leaned down to collect the dress at his feet. I looked away as I got a full view of his thighs. It was too late though. _Dammit, not now. I can't go to Garnet like this._

"_Like what?' My head bolted back to him. He had the huge dress gathered in his arms, and he looked genuinely confused for a second. Great. I can't keep my telepathy under control. Telepathy? What the hell._

"_Huh? Nothing. I was thinking of something else." I waved him off successfully, and he seemed to buy it. I left with a casual wave, assuring him I'd be back as soon as I woke up to bring him breakfast and his new clothes._

_That night, instead of heading to Garnet's quarters, I went straight to the bathroom for a cold shower._

_AN:_

_I was listening to lots of stuff while writing this- music is a huuuge inspiration for me. _

_Heartbeats, by The Knife, Wind by Akeboshi, Dear You from Higurashi, Caring is Creepy by The Shins, and Following by Chingking. There's more, but I'll just put down some of the major stuff. Really good songs, take a listen while reading this if you can! _


	2. Chapter 2

Sorry about the italics thing in the previous chapter. I re-uploaded it about 3 times due to prior mistakes and I just got fed up xD

XxX

I woke up early that morning. Me and Garnet weren't sleeping in the same room just yet, so I didn't have to worry about waking her up. I teased her about it, but I'd never ask her if we could share a room in seriousness. She probably wouldn't think it proper until we were married (Or I proposed?), and I didn't want to make her uncomfortable. Gathering some gil (Which, thanks to those couple of years spent traveling, I had plenty of.) I set off to find Kuja something suitable to wear. I planned on getting him something casual, but also another dress and hat. It's not like I can keep him locked up in there forever, and he refuses to wear a wig. With his hair and gender against him, I could only convince him to wear dresses. Not that I liked it when he did.

Of course not.

I bought something similar to my own clothes then went off to find a women's boutique. There were lots of places, but I figured anything with purple, he'd like. There was one store with a brilliant purple dress in the display case that caught my eye. It was very fancy, and fit for a noble. I entered the store, realizing there were many more like it, some stripped, some silky, all beautiful. I tried ignoring what I'd have liked to see Kuja wear, and thought of what he would want instead. Jeez. It was hard to even walk in the place, the racks were so close together.

I decided on a dress with an open neck and shoulders, with transparent white sleeves and a large bustle. It was a lighter shade of purple than the one in the window, but it reminded me of Kuja's usual attire without being too obvious. It was getting late, so I got the first hat I saw. It looked more like one of those hats ladies wear at funerals that covered their faces, but even so, I figured that'd just make it more useful in hiding his face. Now all that was left was to buy it.

Many people had been there when I reunited with Garnet, which meant the shopkeeper might know me. If that was true, the question of who the dress was for might arise. A bad thing, considering that ever wearing such a dress would be an insult to Garnet's status as queen. As I approached the counter, I kept thinking of possible excuses. Maybe it was for Ruby, but she and I certainly weren't the best of friends. It'd still be strange. I just prayed that nothing would come up.

When I was finished paying (With not even a second glance from the cashier, phew!) I rushed back to the castle. It took longer than it did to get to this part of town, as the streets were steadily becoming more crowded as the day went on. It was still only about ten, and I rushed over to the kitchen, relieved to see no one was there. I was able to grab a plate of food and precariously balance it was the hand that had the bags in tow. When I turned around, I nearly dropped everything.

"What do you think you're doing?"

Steiner. What the hell? Why didn't I hear him. He's a tin man for crying out loud!

"Err... just went shopping for some stuff, getting food, going back to meet Dagger. Usual." I shrugged, trying to shimmy my way past him. He blocked my way. Why did he always have to get in the way of everything? This was seriously annoying. Not to mention Kuja has probably been awake for a while. He isn't the type to sleep in.

"The Queen is asleep, you are not to wake her!" he barked, armor making a this awful clunking as he shook his arms at me.

"She's asleep for you, Rusty. For you."

I gave him my biggest grin, and before he could stomp about much more, I ducked under his arm, running up the stairs as fast as I possibly could while balancing food and several bags at the same time. I'm not sure if he chased me, but by the time I got to the place Kuja was staying, I didn't see him behind me. I bursted into the room, and to my amusement, startled Kuja. He was brushing his hair in front of the multi-colored window, and was now scrambling to catch the brush as it slipped from his grasp. He pursed his lips as I started laughing, and turned back to the window. I think that was his favorite part of this room, even more than the books.

"I got you some clothes. " I stated, shutting and locking the door behind me, then walking to the bed and setting the bags down, and putting the food on the far end. I spoke while I situated the bags in front of myself.

"No one tried coming in, did they?" I asked, rustling about the stuff I had just bought.

"No, no one has come. I kept the door locked last night, but I unlocked it for you this morning. "

I heard him walk up behind me as I started taking his casual dress out- simple cargo pants, almost identical to mine, and a white shirt. I looked at him for approval, to which he just raised a brow. I could tell he hadn't expected much. Then I pulled out the dress, to which I swear I could hear him _growl_ in my ear.

"You jest, please tell me you do." He sounded pissed, so I tried explaining as fast as I could to keep him from throwing me out that window he liked so much.

"Come on, if you want to go out in public, you're going to need to wear this. You refuse to wear a wig, and that would already be your hair and gender counting against you. If somebody recognizes you, you're done for. Just trust me."

He looked about ready to rip my hair out with that sneer on his face, but he just snatched the pants and tugged them on, pulling the under dress off afterwards, then putting on the shirt.

"I'm beginning to think you just get a kick out of me wearing women's clothing."

…Not far from the truth. It was fitting, at least. And when he wasn't looking, I got a chuckle out of all the men that kept staring at his ass.

"You look good in it." I started, with a snort. "But even with that, don't go out without me. I don't want a guard to catch you and ask you what you're doing in here. They might think I'm cheating on Garnet or something."

"I get it. I look like a girl. You needn't explain anymore thoroughly. " He finished smoothing his shirt, putting his hands out by his sides.

"I also will need to keep a distance from you if we do go out, but you can just do that mind reading thing, eh?"

"That mind reading thing. You really are primitive." He was mocking me. Well, I was making him wear a dress, so I guess it made us even.

"Yep. Steiner isn't hollering, so Garnet must not be awake. I can stay here for a little while." I sat on the bed, eating some of the food I brought him. He sat next to me, stealing some of the plate as well. He never did have much of an appetite, (Which I attributed to him watching his girlish figure.) so he didn't really care when I picked off of him. I wish he did eat more, though. It's worrying.

Sometimes I get scared and think he's just trying to kill himself by not eating, or that what Garland had mentioned before about his life being limited would suddenly come back and he'd die. Naturally, it makes me a little careful around him, and he sometimes gets upset with me about. I remember when we were in Treno, and we were together in one of the inns. I woke up to a cold breeze- and I'm talking cold, like freezing. It made me wake right up, and when I did, and was able to finally recognize my surroundings going on, I saw him. He was out on the balcony climbing onto the railing, and he scared me to death. I practically leaped out of bed, running towards him like there was no tomorrow, and grabbed him, jerking him back inside. What was he thinking? How could he do something so…selfish? I gave my all to save him, and he'd just throw it away like that.

We were on the floor, and I was holding his head forcefully against my chest. He was trying to push me off, but not roughly. Just a gentle push just beneath my ribcage. He wasn't saying anything, and it made me angry. I registered that I was yelling at him then, and that he wasn't even responding. He wasn't sad or angry, apparently the guy was just getting a migraine with me pressing his face so hard into my chest. I wondered then, how could he be so casual about it? Think that I wouldn't be upset about him trying to jump out a window. Anybody would! I guess that I should be comforting him, not making him feel bad. If he tried to do something like that, I shouldn't be making him feel more alone.

I made him sleep with me that night, and he agreed when I asked him to. I say made because if he said no, I'd cut the nice guy act and damned well have force him to. To this day, I don't like saying the word that he tried to do that night. It's sharp on my tongue, it makes me shiver. I almost treat the word like a mother would when it's coming from her child's mouth. It just… scares me.

"Something the matter?" He asked, making me glance in his direction.

"Nah, just thinking. I'm kind of sad that you won't be able to be my best man at the wedding." I gave him that wide grin that girls knew me best for. He gave me a crooked smile and stared off at the window again.

Xxx

That day was uneventful. I went to meet Garnet, to which he had breakfast after she got up, and pretty much just followed her around for the rest of the day. Sometimes she had to consult with citizens about things that needed fixing, and other stuff I really didn't care about. I just kind of stood next to her. During lunch, I quickly hid a plate in my lap, gesturing to the chef that I didn't have one. Over the course of the meal, I'd slip some food onto it, then hide it behind my back and excuse myself to the bathroom or something. Then came the trek up dozens of flights of stairs, dropping off the food in Kuja's makeshift room with nothing more than a wave, and running back down. I got lost once or twice, but I eventually made it back. I was greeted with some strange looks from the maids, guards, and Garnet, but I ignored it and went back to my meal.

After that, Garnet pretty much just consulted with more people. It was an around the clock job, and I couldn't really blame her. I was able to sneak kisses in between clients though, so I was happy about that. By about seven, we headed off to dinner. It was easier to sneak out food, since most everyone just went to sleep afterwards, and Garnet would kiss me on the cheek and go to her bedroom when she'd finished. When the coast was clear, I made my way to Kuja for the last time today.

It was making me kind of crazy, to finally have Garnet and not be able to love her like a husband. Yeah, I could always just propose to her and my problem would be solved, but we still had stuff to talk about. She didn't know about Kuja, about all the stuff that happened while I was away, about the other Genomes, the mages. It would be like she was being asked to marry a stranger. At least, I thought so. But the right time never arose, it seemed. She was always so busy, and after that, so tired.

I knocked this time, letting myself in. He was sitting next to the wall by the window, (not a big surprise) reading a book. When I came in, he put it down and looked up at me. It struck me then how positively bored he must be. I think I'd lose my mind if I were in his position. I thought of taking him out tomorrow, in between meals maybe. I closed the door.

"I'm free for the rest of the night." I declared, handing him the plate, to which he muttered a thanks, setting it down on the floor next to himself.

"Do you think I'll be able to take a bath? I feel absolutely filthy…" He looked at me hopefully. Well, damn.

"Not a good idea… Let me scope out the place tonight when I leave, alright? Then I'll tell you about it in the morning." He looked disappointed.

"Very well." The look on his face didn't say that. With any other person, i'd nail them in the face for getting such an absolutely depressed look on their face over something they couldn't have. But it was different with Kuja. He had so much disappointment in his life already, I'm sure that every little thing is devastating to him. I guess it's hard to understand, but I just cared a lot about him, the only family I felt really connected to. I didn't even feel this way towards Mikoto. Kuja was just such a complex character that I couldn't help wanting to figure him out more and more, and i really did sympathize with some of his feelings. Whenever I wanted to get angry with him, I just tried thinking of what it'd mean for him. For the only person sacrificing and caring for him to be angry, even for a short about of time. It stopped me from doing anything too bad or mean, especially since deep down I had this idea that I lost Dagger for two years because of him. I didn't think of it that way, but being a human being, you have that darkness in your heart and mind. It's just one of those things we don't like to admit.

"Hey, I didn't steal all that food for nothing'" I muttered, giving a chuckle to lighten the mood a bit. He smiled that sad, crooked one, prodding the handle of the fork with one of his long fingernails.

"I ate what you gave to me earlier, I just want to sleep, I'm still full."

"I'll stay here tonight. No one will miss me." I grinned. This was against my better judgement. Somebody could check on me- Dagger could check on me. I might not get caught, but I'd have lots of explaining, not to mention lying to do. I reminded myself that it was just tonight though.

"…" He looked away.

"Come on. Don't make me treat you like a baby~" I cooed, grabbing one of the books on the floor next to me. "Should I read to you, hmm?" He raised a brow.

"…Actually, that sounds pleasant. Feel free."

I chuckled, setting the book on my lap and patting the bed next to me. Kuja got up gracefully- I swear, sometimes he out-graces _Dagger-_ and walked over to the bed, climbing on top and laying down. He gave me an expecting look, and I lied down next to him, reaching down to pull the covers up. It wasn't a large bed, but Kuja was so small that I had more than enough room. It was just that there was only one pillow that made us lay so close to each other. I started to read- it was another of LordAvon's plays. I didn't catch the name, but I started reading it regardless. I think ten minutes went by, the first five of which were spent with Kuja eagerly over my shoulder. He seemed to just drift off, sinking further into the pillow, paying less attention, and by the time i noticed, he was asleep. His tail was swaying from side to side occasionally, as mine was as well. When they thumped into each other, I noticed that his seemed to loop about mine, and they both stopped swaying. I closed the book, leaning over the side of the bed to place it on the floor and turned to look at Kuja. He shifted under my gaze, onto his side, facing me. His face looked calm, and I laid my own head down next to his, tugging the blanket up to my chin.

I didn't fall asleep for hours.


End file.
